Clarissa's Doubts: Could've, Should've, Would've
While reading Mrs. Dalloway, I was struck that Clarissa is always doubting herself and putting herself down. She wishes she was different and thinks about what her life would have been like if she had made different decisions. One thought that is continually running through Clarissa’s mind is the possibility of what would have happened if she had married Peter and how that might have changed her life.
Clarissa is constantly thinking about what kind of life she could have led if she had made different choices earlier in life. Perhaps this is because she is not fully content with where her life is at the moment. She is always doubting herself wishing she was different. She says that she does not think “herself clever” (10). She is also worried about her appearance and wishes that she was more beautiful, even commenting that she has a “narrow pea-stick figure; a ridiculous little face” (10). She never seems to be able to put this self-doubt out of her head. Clarissa mentions that she feels invisible and unknown. She even says that she is, “not even Clarissa anymore; this being Mrs. Richard Dalloway” (10). Clarissa is not happy with the person she has become. She often remembers her past life and her memories seem much happier than her current life. Now she is filled with self-doubts and insecurities.
Her insecurity carry over into thoughts about what her life could have been like. She often seems to wish that she could re-do parts of her life or wish she had done something differently. For example, Clarissa is speculating about how she wished she did more things for herself instead of other people and she thinks to herself, “Oh if she [Clarissa] could have her life over again” (10). Perhaps it is because Clarissa feels like her life has little purpose. As I pointed out above, she says she just feels like the wife of Richard. It seems that her main focus in life is throwing parties and such. Clarissa feels the need to constantly reassure herself about her parties, as though telling herself that she has a purpose and she is busy with something that she enjoys. As Clarissa is watching everyone hurriedly make their way through London, she comforts herself by thinking that “She, too, was going that very night to kindle and illuminate, to give her party” (5). Clarissa is trying to convince herself that she, like everyone else, has an important role in life and people are counting on her.
Clarissa is drawn to the idea of what would have happened if she had married Peter instead of Richard. This possibility is constantly running through her head and at the beginning of the book even before the reader has been fully introduced to Peter. Clarissa says that is “(…) still making out that she had been right [about not marrying Peter]” (7). She never seems to be able to push the fact that she could have married Peter out of her mind. Perhaps this is because she believes that her life with Peter would have been completely different. After all, Peter looked down upon parties and insulted Clarissa by saying, “She would marry a prime minister and stand at the top of the staircase; the perfect hostess” (7). Maybe what Peter said has stuck with Clarissa because a woman whose only purpose is to throw parties is not who she wanted to become and now that she is that person she realizes that she had a way out. If she married Peter she could have been more than a person who throws parties. She might have traveled to India with Peter or gone on some other adventure. However, that choice in her life has passed so Clarissa tries to convince herself that she has done the right thing and her life is what she wants it to be.
Clarissa is drawn to the idea of what would have happened if she had married Peter instead of Richard. This possibility is constantly running through her head and at the beginning of the book even before the reader has been fully introduced to Peter. Clarissa says that is “(…) still making out that she had been right [about not marrying Peter]” (7). She never seems to be able to push the fact that she could have married Peter out of her mind. Perhaps this is because she believes that her life with Peter would have been completely different. After all, Peter looked down upon parties and insulted Clarissa by saying, “She would marry a prime minister and stand at the top of the staircase; the perfect hostess” (7). Maybe what Peter said has stuck with Clarissa because a woman whose only purpose is to throw parties is not who she wanted to become and now that she is that person she realizes that she had a way out. If she married Peter she could have been more than a person who throws parties. She might have traveled to India with Peter or gone on some other adventure. However, that choice in her life has passed so Clarissa tries to convince herself that she has done the right thing and her life is what she wants it to be.
I think it's interesting that you think that Clarissa is unhappy with her life, and wishes she was with Peter, because although she reflects on her life decisions, I think she was being genuine when she said she was happy not being married to Peter.
ReplyDeleteI think this blog post is really interesting! I totally agree with your idea that Clarissa sees throwing parties as her most important role, but in the back of her head she thinks that it's not really meaningful. Something I thought of while reading this is that present day Peter was admiring Clarissa's parties for a place where people could come together and talk about art and ideas. It seems that he is impressed with what Clarissa does, and maybe has changed his mind about a "perfect hostess" being negative, but Clarissa is still stuck with doubt about her life because of that comment.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting post that shows the many different angles of Clarissa’s “unhappiness”. While reading, I thought of Lucrezia. Occasionally in her monologue, she considers where she would be if she hadn’t married Septimus, if she was back home making hats with her sisters. She also dwells on the past in a similar way that Clarissa does. However, Lucrezia doesn’t think about the past nor dwell on the possibilities as much as Clarissa. I believe this is a way Woolf distinguishes the wealthy and middle classes. Clarissa has more time to contemplate what could have been whereas Lucrezia is very busy trying to help Septimus and handle the everyday anxieties. A counter-argument would say that Clarissa has her party that she is planning but that is mainly the job of her maids. Lucrezia thinks about the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve when she is leisurely sitting in the park. My theory is that she would think of them more often if she had more leisure time (like Clarissa).
ReplyDeleteI think that it is interesting to think about Clarissa's happiness and whether she is happy with Richard. She clearly thinks about Peter a lot and they seem to understand each other better then Richard seems to. But no one in Clarissa's life seems to understand her parties, not Peter or Richard. I think that although Richard doesn't seem to be the most loving husband and doesn't seem to understand Clarissa, she is still happy with him. Clarissa does think about the past a lot, but I think that, especially by the end, she is happy with the life that she has.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting point about Clarissa's happiness. I also agree that Clarissa is probably unsatisfied with where her life has gone, and is unhappy with who she has become. I found your point about how Clarissa only views herself as Richard's wife especially interesting because it raises a new question, can Richard and Clarissa's marriage really be happy if Clarissa feels restricted and not really herself? Based on what we have seen they seem to be relatively happy, but like you said Clarissa's mind is dominated by thoughts of Peter and Sally, both of whom she seemed to share a much stronger bond with than her bond with Richard, so can her marriage really be happy?
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